"Christ! I'm going to miss that bloody train" thought David as he hurried towards the steps at Oxford Circus tube station. "I hope she appreciates the present after all this panic. Yes, she’s bound to like it, isn’t she? I certainly hope so, Marion deserves some diamonds".
He just managed to squeeze into the cramped carriage as the Tube train doors closed sharply behind him. He struggled through the standing crowd in the doorway and determinedly made his way to a seat that someone was vacating.
Still thinking about the ring he'd bought and wondering about the anniversary celebrations that were planned for their thirtieth wedding anniversary, David scanned the passengers opposite and suddenly his eyes met those of the man facing him.
David looked away quickly and in a sudden panic began reading the small ads above the windows. He concentrated on the poem reading it through several times. The man opposite now seemed absorbed in a book so David began to examine him in some detail. He was in his forties, his black hair was a little dishevelled and flopped over is forehead, he had handsome features with a fine bone structure that would see him in good stead when age began to weaken the supporting tissue. He wore a grey suit over what appeared to be a rather elegant frame. The man’s white shirt and grey patterned tie made him look quite distinguished and David began wondering what he might do for a living. He noted his rather large hands, but that had certain delicacy; perhaps he’s a musician, a pianist ...His reverie came to a sudden halt when David became aware that his scrutiny hadn’t gone unnoticed; the man was looking at him too. There was a sort of knowing smile on his face and David felt the colour rise in his cheeks.
To David’s relief, the Euston platform was rushing past the windows and the train began to slow down. He was on his feet immediately and began fighting his way through the other passengers towards the door. Once on the platform he slowed his pace as he realised he had plenty of time to catch the next shuttle service to Birmingham.

His thoughts turned back to the children and to their joining the forthcoming celebration. He'd spoken to John last evening and he’d certainly be joining them in the evening for the anniversary dinner, though he’d be bringing his new wife Joanna along too which was a bit of a downer. David had still not got any commitment from his daughter Caroline. She was certainly busy completing her doctoral thesis it’s true, but he felt that she should really try to make an effort. He didn’t agree with her argument that the anniversary was between him and Marion and little to do with their progeny.
Getting on to the train he was confronted by a carriage full of children returning from some sort of outing. Their high-pitched chatter and laughter brought back memories of school trips all those years ago. These days though the children were from so many different cultural backgrounds. There were also so many of them from what used to be called ‘broken homes’. How different it was when he was young, he wondered about the problems they would all have in discovering who they really were in a society where there were no longer any certainties.

Peace descended as he walked through to the next carriage, there were still a fair number of vacant and unreserved seats and he was able to take his place as usual on the left hand side of the train next to the window facing forward. He couldn't quite remember when such a position had become necessary for an enjoyable rail journey; perhaps it was a sign of age that such things became important to the everyday enjoyment of life. He placed his coat on the seat next to him and took another look at the ring he'd bought. "How to make a month's salary last a life-time" wasn't that the way that the DeBeers ad went?
More passengers were no filling up the train. He closed the box, put it back into his pocket and began wondering how and exactly when he would present it to Marion.

"Is this seat taken?" David was startled by the question and looked up to see that same besuited man staring down at him.

David hadn’t realised that the man had got off the Tube at Euston too.
"N...No" he heard himself saying, “...not at all”, as he gestured to the facing seats.

"I'd rather sit here, if that's alright", insisted the stranger, pointing at the seat next to David. “I can’t stand having my back to the engine”.

"Fine", said David in a faltering voice feelingly his heart beat a little faster in his confusion.

The man continued to stare at the seat and David then realised that he’d have to move his coat.
“Oh! Sorry...” he said getting up to place it on the rack above his head.

The man took off his own coat and put it on the rack before placing a number of other packages alongside it. David studied him as surreptitiously as he could while he was undertaking these manoeuvres. He had as elegant a frame as David had first imagined. His shirt billowed a little from his belt and David caught glimpses of a taught, tanned belly. As he looked up he met the stranger’s large brown eyes looking down at him. David looked away and stared out at the platform as the man took his seat beside him.

The stranger made himself comfortable, opened his briefcase, took out a morning newspaper and put it on the table in front of him. He then placed the briefcase under the seat between his legs. As he did so he leaned closer to David who was suddenly aware of the closeness of this stranger. He caught a whiff of fading perfume as the man settled down to read. He couldn’t quite place the fragrance but it exuded a sort of warmth and intimacy. The man unfolded the newspaper and David took a sideways glance at what he was reading. He was getting to grips with a front-page article a gay cabinet minister who had just resigned from the government.

The train began to move away from the platform and the usual rush of latecomers entered the carriage. Two women, replete with shopping bags and plastic carriers asked if the facing seats were available. David nodded to them in a rather superior way and they began the long process of settling down. It took them some time to realise that there wasn’t enough room on the overhead rack for all their purchases. David observed the stretching and bending necessary to get some of their goods placed about their heads but his interest in the proceedings was minimal. Eventually the two women were seated and fully absorbed in an animated conversation about their office colleagues. They seemed totally unaware of the restricted leg-room they’d imposed on their fellow travellers.

David tried to relax and re-commence his thoughts about the forthcoming celebrations. The train had now picked up speed and its passengers were swaying rhythmically as they made their way out of London. Suddenly the stranger’s leg touched David’s as the motion of the train and their cramped conditions forced greater intimacy. David’s physical reaction was immediate. He moved his leg away quickly but noticed that the stranger hadn’t reacted in any way. David's growing erection was something he tried to conceal as best he could. “If only I’d not placed my coat in the rack” he thought to himself.
David’s confusion was now at such a pitch that he couldn’t think straight, he tried to go back to the planning of the anniversary weekend but it was impossible. “What was this all about?” he asked himself. “Why do I react like this? What does it say about me?”. He tried to regain his composure and he clutched the ring as a kind of lucky talisman or a household god.

Gradually he calmed down as the train's speed increased and the rollingbecame less violent. Surely the touch had only been an accident caused by the tracks? He breathed deeply and ventured another glance at the stranger who was now deeply engrossed in another story. On closer inspection this was another story about homosexuals. Undoubtedly this man’s interest in the subject was fascinating.

It seemed to be a feature interview with one of the chief protagonists in the governmental crisis. “Is this man gay?” David wondered. ”Did he ask to sit next to me because he’s attracted to me? Is he trying to pick me up? David started to sweat with a mixture of fear and excitement. He leant his head back on the head-rest; he closed his eyes and tried to sleep.

First he tried to clear his mind, but in putting his head against the right side of the protruding head-rest he began to feel a closer intimacy with this stranger. “What on earth is happening to me?”, he thought. Yet he wanted to test the waters however nervous it made him feel.

He rested for a while and tried to feign sleep. Slowly, very slowly, he took advantage of the narrow space the two women opposite had forced on the men. He adjusted his position and, in his ‘sleep’ he gradually opened his legs a little at a time. He quivered at the thought of contact but moved his foot just slightly and made contact with the stranger’s shoe; neither of them moved away. His partner remained impassive but the slight swaying of the train meant that their knees were now occasionally touching. There wasn’t permanent contact at first, they touched and separated according to the rhythmic movement of the train and the changing camber of the track.

David was then aware of a movement from his companion. He peeked from under his eyelids and saw that he as being looked at. His partner was examining him; his eyes were taking in David’s body. “Oh! God, can he see how aroused I am?” he asked himself. As he continued to fake slumber he began to long for an even greater closeness with this total stranger.

"Damn", thought David, as cramp began to grip his calf muscles and he had no option but to move away. He decided to wake up. At that moment his partner put down his paper and left the carriage. David presumed he was going to the lavatory or perhaps he was to go to the buffet. Suddenly he

realised how much this person had begun to control his imagination. It mattered now where this stranger was going; it was important to know what he was doing. He missed being near to this man; he wanted his warmth and touch. He suddenly felt bereft, much as he did when Marion left their bed early in the morning. “Who is this man that he can bewitch me in this way?” David asked himself. “More to the point what does it say about me?

Fear suddenly gripped David. What would he do if this stranger addressed him; made a pass at him? The newspaper was now open at the book review pages and again there was another gay feature, this time a book review about Aids and the homosexual community. “What was it about the press these days”, he wondered, “there are so many references to homosexuals, there were even lifestyle features that made it all sound, well, so acceptable. They can now even get hooked up legally and live happily ever after; it’s all so normal, at least for the chattering classes.”

He thought again about the children in the next carriage and how things had changed. When he'd been a teenager homosexuals were outcasts, they were condemned to a lonely life, criminalised, and furtive. No-one he knew then would have admitted to being gay, it must have existed but he'd never met anyone who'd been a homo as they were called. Even at university he'd not been confronted with it, he'd thought that one or two fellow student's might have been. He’d tried to strike up a friendship with one or two of them but nothing came of it. He remembered talking with Marion about sexuality during those long, pot-filled afternoons when they were in bed together. He had tried to define an identity which allowed for a bit of androgyny, as she’d called it. It was all theoretical stuff and Marian had not really taken it seriously. She'd open herself to him again and the thoughts would be lost in a miasma of pleasure.

Then, he’d done his VSO year in Nigeria and there had been that thing with Osakwi. When he came back to the Midlands he found Marion waiting for him; it had been a sort of understanding that she would. They then did a postgraduate year together and got married afterwards. The children had not

arrived immediately because Marion wanted to establish her career. But after they did, there followed the long years of making ends meet; there was the mortgage to pay, the two cars to maintain, the endless expense of the children and the regular holidays that were felt to be important for their development. In addition there were the pressures of work and, well, the sheer effort of keeping
the whole thing going.

The door slid back and the conductor was there asking for tickets, his partner arrived back at the same time. David busied himself searching for his ticket, he retrieved his coat from the rack and sat down to look through the pockets. He was beginning to panic and was aware that all eyes were upon him. Finally he found it in his trouser pocket and handed the crumpled token to the conductor. He refolded his coat and the stranger offered to put it back on the coat-rack for him. David responded positively before he’d had chance to think and watched as the man slowly rose to replace the item.

It took some time to put the coat back because of the women’s bags and boxes. It was another opportunity to observe this man and David couldn’t help but study his companion’s crotch for it was now at eye level and, well, quite near to him. Was it his imagination or could he really define the outline of his genitalia to the side of his left leg? He watched as the suit fabric stretched and moved. Yes, he was right, for a split second the form and shape were obvious. David felt guilty, looked straight ahead and found the two women studying him intently, their mouths slightly open. They were speechless for the first time on this journey. Embarrassed, he blushed and looked out of the window at the changing countryside and the dying sun.

“Thank you”, said David
.
“My pleasure”, replied his companion and gave him a broad smile.
David tried to smile back but was confused. “Surely now is the time to make some conversation”, he thought to himself. But he was at a loss about what to say. The train was making good time. Only

three more stops, perhaps conversation would be easier if they were to leave the train together. "How are you Robin?". A large bearded man was standing over his partner.
“So, his name was Robin” thought David, “it suits him”.

"I didn't see you there”, the bearded man continued.

"No, I only noticed you after the train started and the carriage was full by then,what've you been doing in London?" asked Robin in a quiet attractive voice which David rather liked hearing.

“Oh! We've been trying to convince the Rowntree Trust that they should give us some money for a new research project. The University is willing to make an investment we just want matching funding".
"How did it go?" asked Robin.

“So he works at a University! Which one?” David wondered, “and does he teach or is he an administrator? Probably the latter given his appearance”, thought David, remembering the dishevelled appearance of the academic staff he had known during his university days. It was surely quite acceptable to have sex with a university lecturer; it could be like 'Nice work' only with a different gender slant. What would happen, how do these things happen? It was all impossible; it would all get too complicated.

It had somehow been different in Nigeria, the relationship he had with Osakwi had somehow just happened. Certainly Osakwi had been insistent and had made his desires very obvious, and because he was his houseboy the barriers had been down. The intimate living quarters had not allowed David to conceal his own desires. Anyway, it had been far away from home, nobody would ever
know, it had been between them. And it had been wonderful. Of course is has always been a secret even Marion has no idea. Osakwi had written a number of times but what could he have said?

What would have been the point?

"Yes, I'll see you at the meeting we've planned for next Monday" said Robin as the man moved back to his seat. The train pulled into Coventry and passengers were gathering their belongings and walking towards the exits. The women remained firmly in place and were now talking about their hairdressers. Robin suddenly got up and retrieved hiscoat from the rack, he put it on and sat back in his seat.
"So", thought David, "he must be getting off at the next stop, there won't be any embarrassment at the end of the journey as I'll be staying on until the next one". The idea filled him with excitement; he was now in control.

Robin sat down heavily and made himself comfortable as the train moved out of the station, he occupied his seat fully, spacing his legs apart. David moved his legs wider too and, as the train gathered speed the contact grew. Neither man moved their legs remained touching but David felt there was a definite pressure being applied by his partner. This was no accidental connection and the sense of excitement mounted within him while his erection swelled.

Robin now placed his head in the head-rest towards David and closed his eyes. The contact was now firmly made on each side and the closeness of his breath on David's neck was intoxicating.

What was David to do? He stared out of the window as though searching for help in the outside darkness. He desperately wanted to say so much, there was so much to say. But he had very little experience in these things, surely it was up to Robin, it seemed as though he was very experienced in these matters. He was torn, the physical contact was exhilarating but he couldn't follow it through. What could he do? Any contact would destroy everything he'd built up – they’d built up, Marion and

David together. This was so powerful it must not be allowed to take him over, the genie must not be allowed out of the bottle, to concede now would turn his world upside down.

There were only fifteen minutes between Coventry and Birmingham International and the seconds were ticking past so quickly. He knew that he'd only have to turn, even only half turn, towards Robin for him to speak. He sensed the mutual longing. Just as in Nigeria the pressure to give in to this longing was becoming too much. The train began to slow, their contact continued and David longed for Robin's hand to follow place his hand on his leg, make a full pass and confirm the mutual attraction. Suddenly Robin forcefully pressed his leg against David's as he took the briefcase from between his legs, folded his newspaper and placed it inside. He got up and started to get his bags from the rack. David turned to look at his vulnerable crotch as he reached up. He could surely detect Robin's erection to, but as Robin looked at him he switched his gaze to the outer darkness and remained in that position until the train had stopped and Robin had alighted.

David looked back at the platform and could make out Robin's silhouette against the lights of the station exit. What had he done, or rather not done? Robin's place was taken by a woman of about his own age, she was attractive and not unlike Marion with her blond hair and brown eyes. He took the ring from his pocket and looked at it again, his eyes filled with tears. He'd been so happy when he'd bought it, so full of the significance. Now he just wanted to lock himself away and weep for a different life, a life he didn't yet know.

(c) Richard Biddiscombe 2009